Bisaya Jokes

SUD-AN

Bata: Nay, unsay atong sud-an?

Inahan: Christmas tree ug lansang, Dong.

Bata: Ha, christmas tree ug lansang?

Inahan: Kamunggay ba, nga gisubakan ug buwad bulinaw

ANG DALAN PADULONG SA LANGIT

Si Padre Tikoy bag-o na-assign sa usa ka gamay nga lungsod. Sa primero niyang adlaw, nawala siya. Nihapit siya sa tubaan ug nakigsulti siya sa mga estambay

Pari: Maayong buntag. Ako si Padre Tikoy, ang bag-o ninyong pari. Hai man ang atong simbahan?

Estambay: Diritsoha lang ning karsadaha, Padre.

Pari: Buweno, tawga ang mga tao aron akong maipakita kanila ang dalan padulong sa langit.

Estambay: Ahhhwala man gali ka kahibalo sa dalan padulong sa simbahanang dalan na hinoon padong sa langit!!!

GAHI KAAYO

Tomas: Mare, tigamit man kuno ug viagra si Pare. Gahi diay kaayo pirme?

Saling: Ahhgahi tuod kaayo, pero puwerte lang gihapong gamaya!

NAKATULOG

Teban: Paita bay uy. Wa na koy trabaho. Gitangtang ko sa akong boss kay nakatulog ko .

Pedro: A grabe! Gitangtang ka tungod lang kay nakatulog ka?

Teban: Dulog hinoon nako iyang asawa.

TAGALOG I

Maestra: Class, our lesson for today is Tagalog. Juan, use “ng” in a sentence. Gamitin ang salitang “ng” sa wastong pangungusap.

Juan: Maayong gabii, Nang.

TAGALOG I

Maestra: Class, our lesson for today is Tagalog. Juan, use “ng” in a sentence. Gamitin ang salitang “ng” sa wastong pangungusap.

Juan: Maayong gabii, Nang.

PANGIT

Eloy: Pre, sa imong banabana, guwapo ba ko?

Andoy: Pangit ka ug nawong , Pre.

Eloy: Pagtarong diha, Pre, ha! Unsay pangit?!

Andoy: Imong nawong, pangitaon kaayo ba!!!

LAYO ANG MANILA

Bata: Tay, hai may mas layo — ang buwan o ang Manila?

Amahan: Layo ang Manila, Dong.

Bata: Layo ang buwan, Tay, uy.

Amahan: Kung lay pa ang buwan, nganong makakita ka man sa buwan?Unya kita ka sa Manila?

WALAY SALA

Inahan: Mangumpisal ta rong Dominggo ha aron pasayloon ta sa Ginoo sa atong mga sala.

Anak: Nay, unsa may buot ipasabot anang bata nga makasala.

Inahan: Panaglitan, kung ang bata dili motahod sa ginikanan, mao nay bata nga makasala.

Anak: Wala koy sala Nay, kay nitahod man ko sa sugo ni Tatay sa pagpangawat og manok sa atong silingan.

ECTOMY

Tasyo: Unsa may pangan sa operasyon para sa appendicitis?

Jose: Sayon ra ana. Apendectomy!

Tasyo: Sa tonsillitis?

Jose: Di, tonsillectomy.

Tasyo: Sa Bad Breath?

Jose: Way operasyon para sa bahog baba, Bay!

Tasyo: Naa Bay. Gitawag kana og Dont Talk To Me!

MORAG HOLMIGAS

Si Bosyo, nga primero pang sakay og eroplano, kuyog ni Onyot nga iyang amigo, diha nilingkud sa window seat

Bosyo: Bay Onyot, taas na gyud tag giluparan no? Tan-awa gud nang mga tao sa ubosgagmay kaayo morag holmigas.

Onyot: Holmigas na sila nga tinooray, Bay. Wala pa gani molupad ang eroplano.

DAMANON

Nag-istoryahanay ang usa ka lalaki ug babaye sa sulod sa barko

Ulitawo: Tupad ra ba ta ug teheras, Day. Pasensya ka na ha kay damanonon ra ba kaayo ko. Kung damanon ko no, kusog ra ba ko mananday.

Dalaga: Ako sab damanon ra ba ko. Kung damanon ko no, mangumot ra ba ko og itlog.

SHY

Pasing: Mare, naunsa man na imong son-in-law nga pila ka tuig na mang walay klarong trabaho?

Claring: Unsaon nga shy man gud na kaayo siya.

Pasing: Shy gud nga tabian man kaayo na!

Claring: Shy tiglaba ba, shy tiglimpyo sa balay, shy say tigluto.

BUGO NGA BATA

Amahan: Dong, lagapak naman sab ka sa tanan nimong subjects!? Katong si Jose Rizal graduate na sa college, sa pareha pa siyay edad nimo!

Anak: Liwat man gud ko nimo Tay, kay kato sab si Manuel Quezon napresidente kadto siya nga pareha nimo ang pangidaron!

INDAY

MC: Unsa’y kantahon nimo, Miss?

Contestant: Inday.

MC: Inday? Wala may kanta nga “Inday.”

Contestant: Naa uy! Katong kang Whitney Houston’g kanta ba nga “INDAAAAY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.”

ANG KALAGAYAN

Si Juan, nga bisayang dako, miadto sa Manila. Pero paglabang niya sa karsada naligsan siya jeep mao nga nabali ang iyang paa. Sa hospital, gipangutana siya sa doctor, “Kumusta na ang kalagayan ninyo?”

Matod pa ni Juan, “Ang akong paa may nabali. Nganong ang akong lagay may imong gipangumusta?!”

PATUGA LANG

Asawa: Tagai ko og kuwarta bi, mopalit ko og bra.

Bana: Nganong mag-bra ka pa nga gamay ka man kaayo og totoy

Asawa: Ikaw, bitaw patuga ka sab sul-ob og brief, puwerteng gamaya man sad kaayo nang imuha.

BOMBAY STYLE

Masahista: Unsay guston nimong klase nga masahe, sir Swedish, Shiatsu?

Customer: Mahimo bag Bombay Style,day?

Masahista: Unsa nang Bombay Style sir.

Customer: Kanang 12 months to pay ba!

INENGLIS

Anak: Tay unsay English sa otot?

Tatay: Wind of Change

Anak: Ug Otot nga wa tingog?

Tatay: Sound of Silence

Anak: Ug Otot nga dalang tae tay?

Tatay: Dust in the wind

Anak: Pag ka bright dyod ning tatay, Liwat dyod ko nimo!

NAGPADOKTOR

Usa ka bungi gitahi sa doctor,gitistingan.

Cge pronounce: LUZON VISAYAS MINDANAO.

Ingon ang bungi” LUKON,PASAYAN BULINAW. Giutro napod ug tahi.

Cge pronounce: LUZON VISAYAS MINDANAO,ingon ang bungi!

LUZO, VISONG, GILANGAW. muang ng noktor nitamot na nuon….!!.

DI IMPEKSYON

Babaye: Dok, naa lagiy brown nga mogawas sa akoa, morag na-infected.

Doktor: Kapila man ka makig-sex sa usa ka semana?

Babaye: Dili semana Dok. Mga kausa ra tingali sa usa ka tuig.

Doktor: Aw, dili na impeksiyon, taya na.

The atheist and the bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.” “Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian”?

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

PROMISE VIRUS and WIndows XP Activation

I encountered the Baguio StrawBerry Virus through the laptop of my boss. WHile grappling the virus the said laptop also have the “Error Code: 0×80040507″ which prevents me from loggging in … oh! what a complicated life!

Here’s how I solve the two problems- with the help of the internet of course:

A. Removing the Baguio StrawBerry Virus

1. Since I also can no longer login to the computer I used the Safe Mode by pressing F8 during computer
startup.

2. After logging in in Safe Mode I unhide all the files on the laptop.

3. I searched all the files named <em><strong>exiplorer.exe</strong></em> and <em><strong>autoautorun.inf</strong></em> then I delete them without mercy.

4. After that I run regedit and go to <strong>HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Winlogon</strong>. Then I looked for <strong>LegalNoticeCaption</strong> and delete the data <strong>“PROMISE???”</strong>

4. I also look for <strong>LegalNoticeText</strong> and deleted the data <strong>“I am still waiting for the strawberry coming from my baguio! Pls…Help!”</strong>

The Baguio StrawBerry Virus is gone WITH THE WIND…

B. The Error Code: 0×80040507

1. I went to <strong>C:\windows\system32</strong> and renamed the <strong>wpa.dba</strong> file to wpa.karaan. (The view file options I stated before still unhides all the files in my laptop)

2. Then I reboot the Windows XP and the windows asked me to reativated the Windows XP.

3. I clicked YES and after a few more steps (a kindergarten can understand which button to click) my
windows XP is activated and I can login again.

My two problems are solved…. what a beautiful day!

Sulat ni Tatay at Nanay sa Atin

Sa aking pagtanda, unawain mo sana ako at pagpasensiyahan.

Kapag dala ng kalabuan ng mata ay nakabasag ako ng pinggan
o nakatapon ng sabaw sa hapag kainan,
huwag mo sana akong kagagalitan.
Maramdamin ang isang matanda.
Nagse-self-pity ako sa tuwing sinisigawan mo ako.

Kapag mahina na ang tenga ko at hindi ko maintindihan
ang sinasabi mo, huwag mo naman sana akong sabihan
ng “binge!” paki-ulit nalang ang
sinabi mo o pakisulat nalang.
Pasensya ka na, anak. Matanda na talaga ako.

Kapag mahina na ang tuhod ko, pagtiyagaan mo sana akong
tulungang tumayo, katulad ng pag-aalalay ko sa iyo
noong nag-aaral ka pa lamang lumakad.

Pagpasensyahan mo sana ako kung ako man ay
nagiging makulit at paulit-ulit na parang sirang plaka.
Basta pakinggan mo nalang ako.
Huwag mo sana akong pagtatawanan o
pagsasawaang pakinggan.

Natatandaan mo anak noong bata ka pa?
kapag gusto mo ng lobo, paulit-ulit mo ‘yong sasabihin,
maghapon kang mangungulit hangga’t
hindi mo nakukuha ang gusto mo.
Pinagtyagaan ko ang kakulitan mo.

Pagpasensyahan mo na rin sana ang aking amoy.
Amoy matanda, amoy lupa.
Huwag mo sana akong piliting maligo.
Mahina na ang katawan ko.
Madaling magkasakit kapag nalamigan,
huwag mo sana akong pandirihan.

Natatandaan mo noong bata ka pa?
pinagtyagaan kitang habulin sa ilalim ng kama
kapag ayaw mong maligo.

Pagpasensyahan mo sana kung madalas,
ako’y masungit, dala na marahil ito ng katandaan.
Pagtanda mo, maiintindihan mo rin.

Kapag may konti kang panahon,
magkwentuhan naman tayo, kahit sandali lang.
Inip na ako sa bahay, maghapong nag-iisa.
Walang kausap.

Alam kong busy ka sa trabaho,
subalit nais kong malaman mo na sabik
na sabik na akong makakwentuhan ka,
kahit alam kong hindi ka interesado sa mga kwento ko.

Natatandaan mo anak, noong bata ka pa?
Pinagtyagaan kong pakinggan at intindihin
ang pautal-utal mong kwento tungkol sa iyong teddy bear.

At kapag dumating ang sandali na ako’y magkakasakit
at maratay sa banig ng karamdaman,
huwag mo sana akong pagsawaang alagaan.

Pagpasensyahan mo na sana kung ako
man ay maihi o madumi sa higaan,
pagtyagaan mo sana akong alagaan sa mga
huling sandali ng aking buhay.
Tutal hindi na naman ako magtatagal.

Kapag dumating ang sandali ng aking pagpanaw,
hawakan mo sana ang aking kamay
at bigyan mo ako ng lakas ng loob
na harapin ang kamatayan.

At huwag kang mag-alala,
kapag kaharap ko na ang Diyos na lumikha,
ibubulong ko sa kanya na pagpalain ka sana …
dahil naging mapagmahal ka sa iyong ama’t ina…

Written by Rev. Fr. Ariel F. Robles
CWL Spiritual Director
St. Augustine Parish
Baliuag, Bulacan
From Aldrin Q

Four Wives

Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.

He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated
her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to
neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave
him for another.

He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind,
considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he
could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.

The King’s 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great
contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not
love the first wife.

Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!

One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his
luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I
die, I’ll be all alone.’

Thus, he asked the 4th wife , ‘I loved you the most, endowed you with
the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I’m
dying, will! You follow me and keep me company?’

‘No way!’, replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word.

Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.

The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, ‘I loved you all my life. Now that I’m
dying, will you follow me and keep me company?’

‘No!’, replied the 3rd wife. ‘Life is too good! When you die, I’m going
to remarry!’
His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, ‘I have always turned to you for help and
you’ve always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep
me company?’

‘I’m sorry, I can’t help you out this time!’, replied the 2nd wife.
‘At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.’

Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was
devastated.

Then a voice called out: ‘I’ll go with you. I’ll follow you no matter
where you go.’

The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she
suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the King said, ‘I should have taken much better care
of you when I had the chance!’

In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:
Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in
making it look good, it will leave us when we die.

Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it
will all go to others.

Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been
there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power
and pleasures of the world. However, our Soul is the only thing that
will follow us wherever we go.

Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that
will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout
Eternity.

THE DIFFERENCE

The difference between the poor countries and the rich ones is not the age of the country. This can be shown by countries like India & Egypt, that are more than 2000 years old, but are poor. On the other hand, Canada , Australia & New Zealand, that 150 years ago were inexpressive, today are developed countries, and are rich.

The difference between poor & rich countries does not reside in the available natural resources. Japan has a limited territory, 80% mountainous, inadequate for agriculture & cattle raising, but it is the second world economy. The country is like an
immense floating factory, importing raw materials from the whole world and exporting manufactured products. Another example is Switzerland, which does not plant cocoa but has the best chocolate in the world. In its little territory they raise animals and plant the soil during 4 months per year. Not enough, they produce dairy products of the best quality! It is a small country that transmits an image of security, order & labor, which made it the world’s strongest, safest place.

Executives from rich countries who communicate with their counterparts in poor countries show that there is no significant intellectual difference.

Race or skin color are also not important:
immigrants labeled lazy in their countries of origin are the productive power in rich European countries.

What is the difference then? The difference is the attitude of the people, framed along the years by the education & the culture & flawed tradition.

On analyzing the behavior of the people in rich & developed countries, we find that the great majority follow the following principles in their lives:

1. Ethics, as a basic principle.
2. Integrity.
3. Responsibility.
4. Respect to the laws & rules.
5. Respect to the rights of other citizens.
6. Work loving.
7. Strive for savings & investment.
8. Will of super action.
9. Punctuality.

10. and of course…Discipline

In poor countries, only a minority follow these basic principles in their daily life.

The Philippines is not poor because we lack natural resources or because nature was cruel to us. In fact, we are supposedly rich in natural resources.

We are poor because we lack the correct attitude. We lack the will to comply with and teach these functional principles of rich & developed societies.

Bootskinning

I just tried using bootskin to tweak my boot screen. Its very easy to use and there are lots of skins available at www.wincustomize.com.

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Misconceptions

• In many instances we just many information as truth when it fact they are not. Here are some of them:

• Spaghetti bolognese did not originate in Italy. The actual name in Italian is spaghetti con ragù, which means spaghetti with ragù. Spaghetti bolognese is actually the German name.

• French fries probably originated in Belgium. The name comes from the cooking term “to French” which means to cut food into strips, hence they are “frenched and fried”.

• While in a low orbit, a viewer can see the Great Wall of China (pictured here in a satellite image) from space, but it is not unique in that regard. From a low orbit of the earth, many artificial objects are visible on the earth, not just the Great Wall of China: highways, ships in the sea, dams, railroads, cities, fields of crops, airports, and even some individual buildings. As to the claim that it is the only man-made object visible from the moon, Apollo astronauts reported that they could not see any man-made object from the moon, not even the Great Wall.

• When a meteor lands on Earth (after which it is termed a meteorite), it is not usually hot. Small meteorites are not hot when they fall to Earth — in fact, many are found with frost on them. A meteorite has been in the near–absolute zero temperature of space for billions of years, so the interior of it is very cold. A meteor’s great speed is enough to melt its outside layer, but any molten material will be quickly blown off (ablated), and the interior of the meteor does not have time to heat up because rocks are poor conductors of heat. Also, atmospheric drag can slow small meteors to terminal velocity by the time they hit the ground, giving them time to cool down.

  from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_misconception

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Birong Pinoy

JUDGE: Isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
            swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: Meron po. Pulis po ako
 

 BETH: Halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
 MARIA: Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
 BETH: Sino may ayaw, Tatay o Nanay?
 MARIA: Yung misis niya.

 
 Quiapo Church :MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na
                        sa hospital.Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
 MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
 

 Young lady to the new parish priest:
 LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
 PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
 

 JEEP PASSENGER: Manong bayad.
 JEEP DRIVER: Saan galling?
 JEEP PASSENGER: Sa akin.
 JEEP DRIVER: Papunta saan?
 JEEP PASSENGER: Sayo

 
 Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
 Misis: Eh ako, sino?
 Mister: Si DACOS!
 Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun!
 Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs
 

 Job interview… .
 Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
 Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan
 nakatira ang kabit mo.
 Boss: o cge.. tanggap ka na!

 
 Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng
 timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya..
 Jorge: Ano’ng resulta?
 Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos ‘yung kabayo!

 
 Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
 Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
 Ama: Ano, madali ba?
 Anak: Chicken na chicken!
 Ama: Anong grade mo?
 Anak: Itlog po.
 

 Dalawang holdaper sa bangko….
 Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
 Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
 Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang
 natin sa balita kung magkano!

 
 Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
 Pilo: 59 books po.
 Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
 Pilo: 77 books.
 Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
 Pilo: Ma’am, library po!
 

 Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
 Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado ‘yon.
 Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
 Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.

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What Qualities Do People Respect Most in a Supervisor?

This question has no concise answer. One management professor and business writer asked hundreds of employees about the qualities they most respected in a boss; here are two dozen answers that he heard most often.

A good supervisor:

1. Keeps up-to-date on situations that affect future projects.
2. Maintains a positive attitude.
3. Has sound oral and written communications skills.
4. Explains actions and decisions that affect employees.
5. Doesn’t play favorites.
6. Delegates authority and creates depth in management by allowing employees to do some of his or her job.
7. Is specific when giving instructions about delegated assignments.
8. Gives employees incentives to improve their job knowledge and efficiency.
9. Cross-trains employees so they can cover each other’s absences.
10. Gives praise for work well done, and compliments as well as criticizes.
11. Is aware of problems that employees are having with each other.
12. Asks questions frequently, and is a concerned and active listener.
13. Organizes work schedules and assignments as effectively as possible.
14. Displays a professional attitude toward the work and employees.
15. Shows a human side; isn’t compelled to act like “the boss” all the time.
16. Works with lower-level employees occasionally to understand what they do.
17. Takes time to listen to new ideas.
18. Pays attention to broader problems; avoids nit-picking.
19. Keeps people informed about changes.
20. Discusses problems with subordinates as soon as possible instead of letting things reach a boiling point.
21. Expresses feelings honestly.
22. Attempts to know each employee as an individual.
23. Uses new strategies that will make the organization more productive and competitive.
24. Shows confidence in subordinates.

From: The Rookie Manager by Joseph T. Straub