Posts filed under 'Blogroll'
Birong Pinoy
JUDGE: Isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: Meron po. Pulis po ako
BETH: Halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: Sino may ayaw, Tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: Yung misis niya.
Quiapo Church :MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na
sa hospital.Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
JEEP PASSENGER: Manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: Saan galling?
JEEP PASSENGER: Sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: Papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: Sayo
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs
Job interview… .
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan
nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: o cge.. tanggap ka na!
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng
timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya..
Jorge: Ano’ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos ‘yung kabayo!
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko….
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang
natin sa balita kung magkano!
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma’am, library po!
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado ‘yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
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12 comments October 11, 2007
Ultimate Truths Of Life
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
If at first you don’t succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
He who has the gold, makes the rules —- Murphy’s golden rule.
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
If you have paper, you don’t have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don’t have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.
Especially for Engineering Students—-If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.
Add comment October 4, 2007
How God Made the Philippines
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, Northern southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant.”
“I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.”
“This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a group of Islands and said, “What are those?”
“Ah,” said God. “That’s the Philippines , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.” God replied wisely,
“Wait until you see the idiots I designated as their leaders.”
Add comment May 16, 2007
Joke Lang
A lizard fell on a table.
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Sh **t , butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!
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Pedro: Saan ka galing, p’re?
Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!
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Bakit “S” ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin
mo, fit masyado, di ba?
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Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula
ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita
tatawaging anak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.
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Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!
Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!
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Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle
Ice Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, “Oh mga bata,
Mirinda na!”
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A priest at a church.
Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!
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Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!
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Nurse: Miss, gising na!
Patient: Ah, bakit?
Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
Patient: Anong gamot?
Nurse: Sleeping pills.
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Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.
Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.
Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.
Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!
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Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!
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Erap at Starbucks.
Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!
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Sa prusisyon.
Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose , mga girls, sa karo ni
Mama Mary.
Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!
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Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang
walang parachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!
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Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
Inay: Bakit naman?
Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?
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TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
SIGA : Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!
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Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.
Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo
madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.
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Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?
Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!
Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!
Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!
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May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang!
Masyadong mapait!
Add comment February 23, 2007
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle;
when 24 hours in a day are not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee…
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began,
he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar,
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided,
“I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things
–your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—
and if everything else was lost and only they remained;
your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter;
like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else—the small stuff.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued,
“there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first
–the things that really matter–
Set your priorities.
“The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
“I’m glad you asked.”
“It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem;
there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”
Add comment February 20, 2007
File Conversion SIte
I discovered two websites which converts files into various format. Its free!!
Add comment February 6, 2007
Beautiful Aklan
When I think of Aklan what comes to my mind is the Ati-Atihan and the funny people putting charcoal and tie feathers and straws on thier bodies. But thats before… not now.
I happen to visit in that place during our planning session on the second week of December 2006. To reach the place, we took a land trip from Iloilo City, Philippines. Iloilo is a beautiful place with nice old houses of the hacienderos. During our trip we pass through the vast ricefields and sugarcane farm of Iloilo and Capiz. I’m amazed by the huge flat farmlands of those provinces. I can’t imagine why the Ilongos have to migrate from that land to Mindanao. Who own those lands?
I enjoyed my trip with the directors of our department. I’ve noticed that as we approached the boundary between Capiz and Aklan, house became, generally, similar in size and most especially of raw materials used. Most of the houses are made of bamboo! I find it unsual because I grew up in an area where people use wood as construction material and not bamboo. I’m admired the craftsmanship of the people there. The bamboos are used artistically with its various designs and shapes.
After more than four hours of travel we reached Kalibo, the capital of Aklan. I thought that we already reached the venue of our planning session… I’m wrong. We travel an additional of about a quarter of an hour before we reach our final destination… the tranquil town of New Washington (its not in the USA).. it is a town of Aklan. I don’t know why they call it that name… maybe they Americans plays a role in naming the place.
I’m tired when I reached the venue the SAMPAGUITA GARDEN. I begun to question why we have to go to that remote place when we have myriads of places to chose. Why should we go to New Washington which looks like any other place I’ve seen. But I’m wrong….To my surprise the venue is far from being ordinary.
The Sampaguita Garden is the only place (I’ve known) in the Philippines where Cristmas is celebrated whole year round!! Christmas music, christmas tree and all other things about Jesus’ brith are on display from January to December – including Biernes Santo and All Souls day. The place is really really nice. The service is excellent too.
Here are some of the pictures I got during my stay there…
Here four stories of dolls with various designs are on display and for sale at an affordable price.
There a lot of views to enjoy….
Its meet …. leaning on the duck… gotum cguro
Add comment December 19, 2006
Litrato sa Sumad Ni Lolo
I was able to visit our house in Surigao del Norte, Philippines last Saturday. Here’s the pictures from this visit. Story about my visit will follow later…. busy pa…
The Holy Man and the Seaman…. their career maybe different but they look almost the same…. holy looking….
The Fidel, the richest man in Talisay (left), the seaman, his wife, their kid… watching Pacquiao-Morales fight.
The proud grandpa with his fine-looking Apos Kenny and Nadoy
The happy Mama Sima…
Uncle Perio surrounded with cute kids…
More pictures later
Add comment November 20, 2006
“HEARING” sa kaso ni Erap
“HEARING” sa kaso ni Erap:
ERAP: ” Abi nako “HEARING” ra ni! Apil diay “‘SPEAKING”
Add comment November 14, 2006
Bisaya Jokes
Makalagut jud!
Asawa 1 – akong ba
na Engineer, sus makalagot sigi lang erect ug erect.
Asawa 2 – akong bana Doctor, maglagot pod ko kay sigi lang inject ug inject.
Asawa 3 – akong bana Attorney, sus makalagot jud sa tanan kay sigi
lang postpone ug postpone.
Sa Pare
Bisaya1: nindonta sa awto, siguro sa mayor na.
Bisaya2: dili bay sa hepe siguro na.
Bisaya3: tonto jud mo! kang father na, tan-awa gisulat na gani sa likod o! SAFARI!!!
Apelyido . . .
Pari: Unsa gani imong apelyido sister?
Madre: Imo baya nang hagkan kada adlaw father.
Pari: Ha! bisong imong apelyido sister?
Madre: Sus maryosep! Cruz father oy..
Pilay anak
Nurse: pila imo anak nang?
Patient: 15 kabuok mam.
Nurse: sus, ginoo daghana gud! wa ka mogamit ug pills, condom ug uban pa jud?
Patient: krus my heart, wa koy lain gigamit Oh ten ra jud!…
PANGIT
Eloy: Pre, sa imong banabana, guwapo ba ko?
Andoy: Pangit ka ug nawong, Pre.
Eloy: Pagtarong diha, Pre, ha! Unsa’y pangit?!
Andoy: Imong nawong, pangitaon kaayo ba!!!
AMERIKANA
Juan: Bay Pedro, pananglitan kung ikaw ug usa ka amerikana nasaag sa lasang. Unya diha’y mga igorot nga nagukod ninyo. Sa daplin sa sapa, nakakita ka ug sakayan. Pero, usa ra ka pasahero ang masulod aning sakayana.. Unsa ma’y buhaton nimo?
Pedro: Aw, biyaan na lang nakong amerikana, Bay. Bahala na’g unsa kagwapa nang Amerikanaha na. Luwason nako akong kaugalingon. Ikaw, Bay unsa may buhaton nimo?
Juan: Bugo ka man diay, Bay. Akong isul-ob ang amerikana una ko mosakay sa sakayan.
LAYO ANG MANILA
Bata: Tay, hai may mas layo?ang buwan o ang Manila?
Amahan: Layo ang Manila, Dong.
Bata: Layo ang buwan, Tay, uy.
Amahan: Kung layo pa ang buwan, nganong makakita ka man sa buwan?Unya kita ka sa Manila?
WALAY SALA
Inahan: Mangumpisal ta rong Dominggo ha aron pasayloon ta sa Ginoo sa atong mga sala.
Anak: Nay, unsa may buot ipasabot anang bata nga makasala.
Inahan: Panaglitan, kung ang bata dili motahod sa ginikanan, mao na’y bata nga makasala.
Anak: Wala ko’y sala, Nay, kay nitahod man ko sa sugo ni Tatay sa pagpangawat og manok sa atong silingan.
BAYOT
Amahan: Wala ka’y uwaw nga pagka-anak. Nakit-an ka sa atong silingan nga nisulod ug gay bar. Bayot ka! Bayot ka! Imong gipakaulawan ang atong pamilya. Maayo pa’y molayas ka aron dili ako makonsomisyon nga ako duna’y anak nga bayot!
Anak: Saba diha, Tay, uy. Mora sag dili ka bayot!!!
Muslim ug Kristyano
Muslim: Palit naka mo sa perfume nga snow white and seven dwarfs, humot kaayo.
Kustomer: Pre! baho man lagi ning usa ka garapa, Muslim: Ooooy! namatay man god ang usa ka dwarf.
Muslim: Palit na kamo sa sing-sing nga pure gold, bisan pag itunlob sa suka dili gyod molobad.
Kustomer: Ha ba diha ka pre, ming lubad man lagi ning sing-sing human ug tunlog sa suka. Muslim: Tungod kay dili man god pure ang suka.
Insik, Kano ug Pinoy
Intsik – “sa amo sa Tsina, usa ka sakong harina isulod sa dakong pugon, pagula dagkong pan ug kuwarta na”
Amerikano – “sa amo sa Amerika, usa ka dakong baka isulod sa dakong makinarya, pagula ang bukog butones na, ug ang unod de lata na”
Pinoy – “sa amo sa Pinas, pagsulod soreso, pagula tawo”
Barberong Pinoy
Usa ka barberong Pinoy nga bag-ong salta sa Amireyka dili pa kaayo maka mao nga mo-iningles. Human niyag alot sa kustomer nga nakatulog, nakalimot siya unsa-on sa pagingon ang nahuman na. Sa kalit nakahinumdom siya nga kon mahuman ang sine, sa katapusan sa pelilkula duna’y “The End”. Samtang nagba-id siya sa labaha iyang gipukaw ang Kanu ug miingon, “Joe, this is your the end.”
Pinoy Paks Masin
Pinoy sakay sa eroplano para mag tour sa Europe may kaabay siya nga duha ka Asian, Japon ug Insik. Sa ilang biyahe nagkaila silang tulo, naghisgot sila sa mga bag-ong teknolohiya nga gikan sa ilang nasod.
Matod pas Japon – “kining akong ball pen camera ni”,
Ingon sab ang Insik – “kini sab ako sing-sing alarm watch ni,
Sus, kay ang Pinoy na-atol man sab nga nagda-ut iyang tiyan ug nangutot ug may turbo sound pa gyod [purrrrorrrrrot].
Nakurat Japon ug Insik ug nagdungan pag-ingon – “unsa man ron?” Tubag pas Pinoy – “mao toy bag-ong teknolohiya nga bag-ong produkto sa Pilipinas ang paks masin na-a sa sulod sa human body.”
Kinsay Da Bes Nga Mabana!
Upat ka dalagang Pinay nurses naghinambugay kon kinsay ilang pamanhon.
Nurse 1: Ako ang akong gustong mabana ENGINEER.
Nurse 2: Nganong ENGINEER man?
Nurse 1: Tungod kay ang ENGINEER, sige lang erect ug erect!
Nurse 2: Bitaw no!…. Ako ang akong gusto ACCOUNTANT.
Nurse 3: Nganong ACCOUNTANT man?
Nurse 2: Tungod kay ang ACCOUNTANT, sige lang enter ug enter!
Nurse 3: Mau ba?… Ako ang akong gusto nga mabana DOKTOR gyod.
Nurse 4: Ngano man bi, nga DOKTOR man gyod?
Nurse 3: Tungod kay ang DOKTOR, sige lang inject ug inject!
Nurse 4: Wow, puro man big shot ang inyong gusto. Ako, simple lang.
Nurse 1: Oh kinsa may imong pamanahon bi?
Nurse 4: Gusto kog kanang pure nga BISAYA.
Nurse 2: Ngano man?
Nurse 4: Tungod kay ang BISAYA, gahi ug DILA!
37 comments November 14, 2006
